A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
