dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
