I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize