The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
