you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
never play flip cup with pint glasses
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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