He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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