24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
