I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
