You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
