I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
