I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize