ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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