There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
