I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
