Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
