What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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