i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd cum for enchiladas.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
