watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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