Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize