Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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