Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
