When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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