there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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