he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
