I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
