His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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