At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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