I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
