she woke up with a sticky ear
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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