I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
