Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
