Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
