you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
