Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Randomize
