she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
