just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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