i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
