I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
