ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
