I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
