I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
