i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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