she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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