i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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