Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
