Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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