Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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