Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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