Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
