Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
