Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
