I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
where are my eyebrows?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
