I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
