God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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