its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
