She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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