there was a trapeze. enough said
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
