I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize