Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
