thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
