I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize