I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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