Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
