Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
