The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
