he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
