I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
