Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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