I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
