I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize