I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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